I am not White Trash, I Just Work Here – Part 2

English: Im-Mobile Homes Killarney Park is a s...

English: Im-Mobile Homes Killarney Park is a substantial development of “mobile homes”. As can be seen, they will take a lot of shifting; many of them will have to have been craned into position. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Date:  Summer of 2001 and 2002

Since JW was not so happy that I left yesterdays Part 1 post with no punch line or funny story, today’s post will concentrate on how to disconnect a mobile homes water.

For the people who are not intimately aware of mobile homes and how they are attached to the earth I will give you a quick description.  A mobile home is basically a travel trailer you would go camping in, but much bigger where they have to be pulled by a semi.  The home sits on two long I beams, which then sit on cinderblocks that sit on the ground.  This extremely strong foundation is the reason that they are always destroyed in tornadoes or high winds.  To cover this gorgeous foundation they put an aluminum siding skirt around the whole home.

Mobile Home

Mobile Home (Photo credit: kenjonbro)

Under the home you will find the electrical hook up, sewer, and water, plus any other white trash junk they store under there.  The Trailer Park supplies the water and in turn the home owner pays them.  The water hook up is not like a normal home with a huge meter that the water company would need to turn on or off, this is much simpiliar.  The pipe comes out of the ground to a small inline meter and then to the home.  They are really easy to connect, disconnect, and alter to get free water.  Let me tell you these people found all different ways to alter the water meters.  These are my Top 5 stories about fucking with White Trash people’s water.

5.  Poppin My Cherry

It’s the middle of the second week at this glorious job and I am expecting the usual day of picking up trash and riding around in the golf cart.  As I walk into the maintenance garage the manager says, “I have a special mission for you today!!!”  He was all excited about this for some reason.

“OK what do you have for me.”

“Grab two pipe wrenches and jump in the truck.”  He is smiling and laughing as he says this.

As I jump into the truck he says, “Ready to get your cherry popped, we are disconnecting someone’s water today.”

I reply “What the fuck are you talking about?”  He explains that when people don’t pay their water bill we get to crawl under their home and disconnect the meter.  Then he proceeds to tell me that he is glad I am here and he doesn’t have to do it anymore.  Basically he has been chased so many times by angry people that he didn’t want to do it anymore.

So first we drive by the house to see if anyone is home, there’s no car in the driveway, so we have a 50/50 shot that no one is home.  You can never tell though since 25% of the homes don’t have a car.  We park two streets over, so no one can alert the people of the home we are going to alter that we are there.

He says, “Jump out of the truck and run between the homes, so no one can see you.  I will be right behind you to show you what to do.”  We get to the home we are going to shut the water off to.  He rips the siding off and we both climb under.  He shuts the water valve off and disconnect the meter.  Crawl back out from under the home and run back to the truck with the meter.

This being my first time doing this it was quite exciting to know what power I had over these people.

4. Engineering at it’s Finest

A week after the first one I am told I have another home to shut the water off on.  This time though the Community Manager was really confused why in the past 3 months this particular homes water usage was almost zero.  So I get my wrenches and head out on my golf cart to scope the place out.  No one is home, so I go a few streets over and walk towards the house.  I get under the home and I could not believe the contraption the water meter was.

This guy had run a bypass of the meter with more pipe and valves, so at a weeks time he would just bypass the meter and pay nothing for the water.  Then a few days a week he would shut the bypass off and let the meter run.

I disconnected and I actually got a $5 gift card to McDonald’s for my finding.  Yeah I know a whole $5, this is probably where my hatred for McDonald’s started.

3.  Guns Galore

Same scenario, we need you to get the water meter from someone’s home.  I do the same procedure, but when I crawl under there is a cache of guns laying in the dirt.  I decided at this point I am not screwing with this and went back to the Community Manager to tell them what I found.

She calls the police and I later found out he was a parole with some warrant out for his arrest.  I am glad he never found out who ratted him out.

2. Wolf Pack

Same old scenario, go turn off this homes water.  Well I do the same procedure, but this time the siding was already missing from this particular shit hole home, so I crawled under.

As I am disconnecting the meter I look towards the front of the home and I see something that could be eyes.  I am like what the fuck is that and look away.  My curiosity gets the best of me and I look back and there are more eyes.  Then I hear some hissing.  “Really!!!”  This cannot be happening, so I get out as fast as I can as this animal is coming after me.  As I get out I see that it’s a possum chasing me, probably protecting its young.  Get back to the manager’s office and we set some traps to get rid of them, so I can finish my job.

1967 Elcona Mobile Home

1967 Elcona Mobile Home (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1.  FUPA Chase

Near the end of the summer of 2001 the manager tells me we have to disconnect the water from this one real trashy lady.  I had seen her in the past and she was about 250 lbs and would swear at me anytime I was on her street.

So I do a drive by and I assume no one is home because I didn’t see her car.  Well I park two streets over and proceed to go under the home.  Well I am not sure if my commotion of removing the siding or her just waking up at 11 am, but I started to hear footsteps above me.  I think to myself “Shit I hope she doesn’t try to us the water!”  I continue to disconnect the water meter then I hear the footsteps get closer to where the bathroom is.  At that point I can hear the rest of the water getting sucked out of the pipe.  Then a scream “Why isn’t the water working.”  Then steps to the front door and the door open.  I am still under the home when she pulls back the siding.  At first she doesn’t see me, but I see her.  She must have been getting ready to jump in the shower because she was only wearing underwear and a robe.  Luckily for me the robe wasn’t shut so I could see her FUPA and belly hanging out over her lady parts.  I didn’t think she would see me, but she did.

I crawl out as fast I can on the other side and she starts chasing me, robe wide open.  Half way during this chase she tripped face first into the grass.  As I looked back I just started laughing and tripped myself.  She got back and continued to chase me all the way back to the community building swearing at me.

Once she got into the building the Community Manager somehow calmed her down, probably by threatening to call the cops.  Good thing I only had one more week to go and did not have to deal with her much more.

So if there are any lessons to learn from this kids they are 1) Don’t live in a trailer park! 2) Pay your water bill if you do! 3) Don’t work at a trailer park.

I am not White Trash, I Just Work Here – Part 1

Date:  Summer of 2001 and 2002

During my college career I held many jobs between the school year and during the summer, they all have interesting stories and funny antidotes that go with them.  I will start with the most interesting: Maintenance Employee at a Mobile Home Community, aka a Trailer Park.

Since my restaurants career epically went down in flames after my freshman summer, the stories of Ruby Tuesday’s will have to be told at a later time, I had to find a summer job after my sophomore year.  Well I come home from college from the summer and really have no plan to get a job or even look for one.  After a week or two of bumming around the house and drinking every night to the sun comes up, my parents decided they had enough and I had to find a job.  Back in 2001 it wasn’t as simple as applying online for every job within 10 miles of you, no you had a few options:

  1. Walk into companies and fill out applications:  Grocery Store, Fast Food, Pizza Guy, etc. (This wasn’t an option because I already worked at most of these jobs during high school and wasn’t about to do it again.)
  2. Word of mouth from friends and relatives:  I had no options here.
  3. Classified Adds in the newspaper.

Being the person I am I picked Option 3, which had the most interesting options.  I called some mom and pop tool shops, but they didn’t want someone for the summer.  Luckly for me I found this Maintenance Employee position in the classifieds with really no description, but it was for the summer and in Washington Township, MI (really close to my parents house).  I think to myself “What the hell I have been fixing stuff since I was a kid, I can do this job”, so I give the number a call.

  • “Hello, this is Rudgate Estates.  How can I help you?”  the person answers.
  • “I am calling about the job you have listed in the Macomb Daily.”
  • “Wait a minute let me go get the manager.” whoever answered the phone.
  • “Hello so I hear you want to be our Maintenance Employee for the summer.” manager.
  • “Yes that’s what I am calling about.”
  • “Well your hired, report to Rudgate Estates on Monday in jeans and a work shirt.” the manager says.  Then she tells me the general area of where the office building is within this community.

I should have hung up the phone when they said it was “Rudgate Estates”, yes they had the nerve to call a trailer park an estate, but of course I didn’t.  Now Rudgate was not your normal 50 to 100 homes in a small trailer park, this was a massive complex that had 700+ trailer’s in a square mile community.  That means roughly 2,000 to 3,000 white trash people living in one area.  The park was split into two areas, with the front being the trashy older area and the back being the newer slightly nicer area.  They were separated by a small creek.  If your curious to see some pictures it is now called “East Village Estates” http://www.suncommunities.com/east-village-estates/AboutUs.aspx.  By the way the trailer that looks like a house, I was in multiple times.  Spoiler alert it’s not really a house, its two trailers with a garage grafted to it.

So I show up the following Monday at the office building of the trailer park, all hung over and not knowing what to expect.  Luckily for me they had a Monday Morning Staff Meeting and I got to meet the cast of characters I would be working with for the rest of the summer.

  • Community Manager – 50 to 60-year-old lady who was extremely overweight.
    1994-1996 Chevrolet Lumina APV photographed in...

    1994-1996 Chevrolet Lumina APV photographed in USA. Category:Chevrolet Lumina APV Category:White minivans (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

    • Would hug and kiss me on the cheek.  Really weird.
  • Vice Community Manager – Daughter of the manager in her 30′s.
    • Lived her mom to help her out.
    • Her non-working white trash husband also lived in the house.
    • Decent body and looking, but you knew she lived a hard life.
  • Financial/Receptionist Lady – 40′s
    • Not sure what she did, but was nice.
  • Maintenance Manager – 30-year-old guy that was born, raised, and continued to live there.
    • He had no teeth, but wouldn’t always where his dentures.  He looked so different without the dentures that I almost called the cops on him once because I though he was breaking into the maintenance garage.
    • Lived in the park with his huge wife and three kids.
    • Never fixed the stuff the right way always did it half ass.
  • Maintenance Employee 1 – 50-year-old guy.
    • Lived in the park, but didn’t really want to work so they needed to hire me.
    • Uncle of a girl I went to high school with.
  • Stripper 1 – 20′s lifeguard at the pool.
    • Not qualified to be a lifeguard.
    • Really hot for a stripper, not skanky looking at all.
    • Drove a Grand Am with baby seats for 2.
    • Did this job so she didn’t have to pay for tanning.
    • Lived in the park.
  • Stripper 2 – 18-year-old lifeguard.
    • Not qualified to be a lifeguard.
    • No as good-looking as Stripper 1.
    • Suffered from poor gut to tit ratio, gut stuck out farther than her tits.
    • No kids, which was very surprising.
    • Lived in the park.

After I was introduced to each one of them they asked me to tell them about myself.  I had no clue what to say, so I told them I lived over in this part of Shelby Township, going to Michigan State University to be a Mechanical Engineer, etc.  I kid you not they all had the same look on their faces “Why is this guy working here, he does not belong!!”  At this point the meeting is done and the Maintenance Manager takes me out to the garage where all the equipment is stored.  He opens the door and see all the fun toys I will be playing with for the summer.

  • 2 – 2500 HD Silverado’s
  • 2 – Gas Go Carts with the governors altered so they would go 30 to 40 miles an hour.
  • 1 – Bobcat
  • 1 – Front end loader
  • Multiple other tools including: jack hammer, welding equipment, torches, and many others.

Instead of doing something fun and playing with the cool stuff, he threw a garbage can in the back of one of the trucks and told me “Go drive around and pick up any trash you see.  Also, every morning you will have to do the same thing.”  The first day ended with very little excitement, but as I went home I could only imagine the situations I would get into:

  1. Trailer Fires
  2. Golf Cart Shenanigans
  3. Stripper vs. Stripper for My Affection
  4. Turning People’s Water Off
  5. Giving Notices to People
  6. Gun Violence
  7. Domestic Violence
  8. Traveling to other Trailer Parks
  9. Light Pole Painting without a Ladder
  10. White Trash Girls Partying

And many others…..

If you are not aware of what goes down in a trailer park here are a few stories from others around the country.

She Just Wants to Dance

Date:  Fall 2007

Italics indicate edits/additions done by JW because I was either to drunk or don’t remember.

This will be a quick story of how you can make a strip club outing get a little out of control.  In the summer of 2006 JW bought a house in a small hamlet outside of Flint called Swartz Creek.  Well there wasn’t much to do in Swartz Creek, so we started exploring the bars, strip clubs, back alleys of Flint.  Yes, I know this was not the best idea in the world, but we never had too much trouble.  In the fall of 2007 we find out how much fun the strip clubs on Dort Highway can be.  Nathan J’s Cocktail & Lace was on one side with half nudity and booze and then Déjà Vu was on the other side of the road, so when Nathan J’s closed at 2 am you could run across the street and see full nudity all while being hopped up on the booze you consumed at Nathan J’s.  Great time all around.

One Saturday JW calls me to come up to his house for some drinking and see the rental Chevy Tahoe he got from the dealership.  The story goes the Sales Manager let JW take his personal brand new Tahoe (1,000 miles on the odometer) as a rental due to JW’s new Silverado catching on fire.  The new Tahoe had just came out at this point, so it was a pretty big deal for some 26 year olds to get their hands on one.  I tell him I am in and I am bringing T-Bird with me.  Quick background:

  • T-Bird:  I have known him since 2000 when we both worked at Ruby Tuesdays in Lakeside mall.  He likes to impersonate cops, FBI agents, Detroit Lions Punters, Doctors, etc. when he is drunk.  This usually leads to some ridiculous situations.

Anyways T-Bird and I head up to JW’s house, at the time Big Country, Scoops, and a few guys are already there.  We start drinking, but T-Bird and I are the only ones heavily drinking.  JW has decided we are taking the rental out tonight and he will stay somewhat sober.  So this goes on for a few hours and now it is roughly 11/11:30 pm and T-Bird and I want to go somewhere.  The other guys not so much.  After 30 minutes of bitching we finally get JW to leave for somewhere.  That somewhere is Nathan J’s.  The chain of events goes as follows:

  • Get in the truck and head for I69 highway.  As we get on JW or I have no clue how to get the strip club, we had only been there once before and smart phones were not really around at this time.  The question is asked to T-Bird and he gives us turn by turn directions on how to get there including the exit number off the highway.  Really odd situation because he had never lived in Flint.  Come to find out he did some consulting in Flint and would hit up the place on his lunch break.
  • We finally arrive, walk in, pay the cover charge, and find a good spot to sit.  Nathan J’s is a fairly big strip club.  A large stage with 3 poles in the center of the building, VIP section upstairs behind the stage, stadium seating on the other 3 sides of the stage.  We sit at a table right off the main stage.
  • Drinks are ordered and we are sitting around bullshiting/checking out the ladies.  Then the magic starts to happen.  T-Bird finds out this is only the second time JW has been to a strip club since he was 16, so of course he finds the closest stripper and orders a lap dance for him.
  • She dances for one song and then he orders another song for JW.
  • Half way through the song T-Bird pulls out his wad of money, rolls it half way, and starts slapping the strippers ass with this wad of money as she is dancing on JW.  The surprising thing was the stripper or the bouncers did not think this was inappropriate, so he continued until the song was over.
  • Lap dances and drinking continue for the next hour or so and then T-Bird disappears.  It’s about 1:30 am now and we are pretty much out of money and just want to get out of the place.
  • We finally find him in this couch section and he has three strippers dancing on him at one time.  Who knows how many dances he has gotten, but JW and I have no money left to pay for this situation he has gotten himself into.
  • We yell at him “Let’s get out of here.”  Of course he gives us a blank stare and doesn’t respond as he is truly taking in every second of this moment.
  • JW and I talk a little and decide let’s leave and we will pick him up outside when the place closes or he gets thrown out.  The second decision was to sneak out the back, so we head to the back of the club where the bathrooms are.
  • There are 4 or 5 doors and the only ones that are marked are the bathrooms.  I open the first unmarked door and of course it’s the dancers dressing room.  Of course I walk in and they are all looking at me and I am looking at them.  I think I say a few words to them about how attractive they are,  and JW says, “Let’s leave out the front door.”  I am hammered at this point.
  • We head towards the front door and tell T-Bird “We are leaving.”  15 minutes rolls around and he is still not outside, 20 minutes nothing, 30 minutes nothing, now its past 2:00 am and he is still not out of the club.  We start calling him and he doesn’t answer.
  • It’s 2:20am now and the strippers are walking out the front door to be picked up by their baby daddy’s, abusive bf’s, guys just getting out of prison, john’s, but still no T-Bird.  Finally the bouncer escorts him out of the back of the building.
  •  T-Bird jumps in the truck and says; “Pull up to the front door, we have to pick someone up.”
  • JW, “Who the fuck are we picking up.”
  • T-Bird, “The stripper I was talking to is coming home with us.” 
  • JW, “No way that is happening.” 
  • T-Bird, “Come on, she just wants to dance!!!”
  • JW, ” No stripper just wants to dance.”
  • This arguing goes on for a few minutes and JW having control of the vehicle leaves the club parking lot.
  • So were driving home, down I69 again and I start to get the spins inside the car.  I roll down the window and just puke all over the side of this brand new white Tahoe. The heaving occurs at least three times at 70 MPH, 35 MPH, and 20 MPH, almost like I was trying to get a sample of the result of my puking at multiple speeds. It ends up that my puke covered the entire rear of the Tahoe in a solid puke coating.
  • Get back to JW’s place and he realizes there is no way to wash off the puke because the water has been shut off as the housing community was new and all water was turned off at the outside nozzle which leads to the decision of leaving it on the car overnight and let the puke marinate, or grab buckets to try to fill with water inside and throw it at the wretched puke. As mentioned previously, this truck was a big deal for a bunch of 26 year olds to be driving so buckets were the decision, which were completely not effective at removing the horrible cement-like mixture of vodka tonic, pizza, and whatever the hell else was put into my body that night. As I had been grossly over-served, I was not forced to work on this project, but rather babysit T-Bird.
  • After this portion of the adventure, T-Bird is still really worked up from the activities at the strip club and still a little bitter about the lady that simply wanted to dance and is determined to keep the party going. He tries to convince JW that inviting a stripper over to the house is a good idea. JW is not convinced, but to avoid continued complaining, and  not thinking that there is any possibility that T-Bird could make this happen agrees to this under the circumstances that she is not permitted in the house for any reason, inclusive of utilization of the bathroom and was not permitted to touch the dog. JW has under-estimated T-Bird in the past and his antics(see introduction of T-Bird and his list of impersonations, that oddly have been successful in the past) so he makes this provision as strictly a fail safe. T-Bird tries calling the phone number she gave him, over and over until the phone is simply turned off by the recipient of the numerous phone calls and voice mails. To this day, it is not known if the number was legitimate or not, but keep in mind this is all after 3AM.
  •  JW, at this point, excited and relieved that there will not be a stripper in his house, decides that it is OK to leave T-Bird in his drunk and worked up state in the office.
  • JW proceeds to go to bed and is woke up by T-Bird and a new proposition. He is requesting to use JW’s work laptop to search for escorts that he could have simply dance in the garage per the rules that were previously outlined by T-Bird. The answer is a quick “no” followed by a “T-Bird go to sleep.”
  • JW, quite concerned about his future career progression gets out of bed to confiscate the laptop to avoid any potential searches on the machine for escorts.
  • JW finds T-Bird still calling the alleged phone number of the stripper that simply wanted to dance, and pretty much anyone in his phone book that he can. Knowing that he needs to get T-Bird to pass out, resorts to the best line of offense, more booze. Shots are presented to T-Bird while JW simply shoots water. Within 20 minutes of consumption, JW thinks he is in the clear to return to bed.

The next morning I wake up and find T-Bird sleeping in JW’s office chair, yellow pages opened to escort services, and his phone is completely dead.  He tried getting someone over to dance for him until he passed out or his phone died. In lack of an internet search engine, T-Bird was able to somehow find a copy of the yellow pages and resort to that method, thankfully without success.

In honor of this night I created the following playlist.

For reference here is Nathan J’s Facebook Page: look at the dates they may not even be open anymore.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Nathan-Js-Cocktail-Lace/104956402880494

Wagon Wheels

Date:  Summer of 2006

So I am driving into work today and I hear the song “Wagon Wheel” by Hootie, which reminded me of an interesting night of seeing the largest set of Wagon Wheels ever.  First thing no one can argue with me that the singer is Darius Rucker, I went to his concert and he sang mostly Hootie and the Blowfish songs.  Second the song is about “Wagon Wheels”, for people who don’t know those are huge nipples.

So it’s the summer of 2006 and our buddy Big Country is living in Tawas, MI.  JW, Scoops, and I decide to drive up there from Flint to meet some guys to party and basically destroy a small town.  A little background to help the reader out:

  • Tawas, MI is a small town on the Saginaw Bay in Lake Huron.  Vacation place with a few bars on a main street.
  • JW – High School friend from at least 1996 maybe even earlier.  Person I have done the some of the stupidest shit with.
  • Scoops – JW met him through working at T-Mobile.  He ended up being my replacement and I taught him everything he knows about selling cell phones.  For the ladies out there he was in a EMO band and sings like an angel.
  • Big Country – Not sure how we met him, I think through Scoops.  Anyways he is a good old boy who has saved us from sticky situations and driven us to the strip club way to many times.

Back to the story….Well JW, Scoops, and I arrive and the other guys are already there.  First order of business was introductions, I knew most of 2 of the other 3 guys, but the new person in the group would become my best assets for the night.  So I introduce myself and I come to find out he plays Semi-Pro Football and basically is out of control at all times.  Second order of business, get fucked up.  We start on this task and then head out to the bar.

First Bar – We all have a few drinks, but there are no whores so we move on.

Second Bar – More drinks and we are getting pretty loud and obnoxious, but really no whores here either.

So JW and I are sitting at the bar pretty bored, but I notice the silverware is slowly depleting.  Then I notice it is all gone, but there are not many people in the bar.  JW all of a sudden says let’s go have a smoke out back, by the time we reach the back door he is laughing hysterically.  As soon as we get outside he tells me all the silverware is down his pants.  Then we start thinking about it and we are a little concerned someone saw this.  In all this intoxicated thinking we decide the best course of action is to throw all of it in the dumpster and run to the front door.  Yeah I know if someone saw us they would probably see us again coming through the front door.  During this stupidity the almighty throws us a small bone, in rolls in a bachelorette party of 10 girls.  It was a small bone because the class average of them might have been a 6 in the looks department, but my memory is fading and it could have been a 4.  Some introductions are needed.

  • Hot Chick – 8:  No personality, but you could actually look at her more than 2 seconds.
  • Cop – 7:  Decent body and face.  She claimed to be a cop, but still don’t believe it.  Also the bachelorette I believe
  • Wagon Wheels – 4:  175 lb black chick.  Loud and had to be the center of attention.
  • Harry and the Henderson’s – 6:  At least she wasn’t big.
  • DTF – 6.5:  At least she was DTF.
  • The Brady Bunch – 3 to 6:  Nothing too memorable about any of them.

Well the two groups kind of merge and were talking, doing shots, picking out which one we are going to go home with, etc.  But then someone decided from our group to break a glass and we were escorted outside.

Third Bar – It’s 1:15 am already, so we have a few drinks and close the place down.  At this point everyone is in a down mood due to us being kicked out and our chances of hooking up with any of the bachelorette party had vanished.  So the bar closes and we start walking back to Big Country’s house, but our luck changes.

The bachelorette party was leaving the bar (minus Hot Chick, Cop, and one of The Brady Bunch) and called us over to talk.  Mr. Football hits it off with DTF again and we get invited back to their cottage on the lake.  So there’s 7 of us and 7 of them a perfect ratio.  This is where the story turns from a normal night of drinking to a darker, twisted, fucked up kind of night I get myself into.

I may or may not have been on a break from the GF at the time so as soon as the invite was thrown out I decided I was going, the other guys not so much.  Most of them were too drunk and just wanted to go to bed.  So Mr. Football and I start this walk back to the cottage, the girls told us it was 1/4 mile down the road.  Wrong it was probably closer to 2 miles.  Mr. Football and DTF keep falling behind, so I am stuck with a bunch of average chicks.  As we continue on this hour-long walk, I am thinking hopefully the Cop is up and I will go for her, but at the same time thinking what the fall back plan is.  An hour later and we are finally there, so know it’s 3 am in the morning and this is the chain of events.

  • Grab some beers from the fridge and go sit on the picnic table by the lake.  Wagon Wheels, Harry and the Henderson’s, and two of the Brady Bunch come sit with me at the table.
  • Mr. Football and DTF are in the lake fucking and then head inside.
  • I am sitting at this table with 4 drunk chicks and me.  None of them are great, but maybe I can lead this to something interesting.
  • Tell one of the Brady Bunch girls that I like her hair in a whisper, but just loud enough for the others to hear.
  • Give Harry and the other Brady Bunch a compliment.  All while ignoring Wagon Wheels, this was done to use her personality against her.
  • Wagon Wheels wants to be the center of attention, so she starts talking and the conversation goes to putting down the compliments I gave the other girls and claiming her tits are the biggest.  Yes she took the bait, so I responded with “Stand up and show me because I think Harry’s are bigger.”  She stands up and then whips off her shirt.
  • Now let me tell you this girl had some huge tits, but what was even more memorable is her huge nipples.  The nipple was at least the size of a quarter in diameter, her areola was at least 6 inches in diameter, and they seemed to stick out an inch from the tit.  These nipples were the true definition of a Wagon Wheel and basically covered the whole tit.  I told her she was the winner, which made each of the other girls claim that there tits were not as big, but much better.
  • Now each of the other girls stood up in a line and took their shirts off one by one.  So now these four girls are standing in a line with no shirts on all looking for my approval.
  • Thought to myself what else can I get these girls to do.  So I tell them this is now a competiton where they will be asked to do things and I will give points out.
  • First Brady Bunch 1 needs to lick Wagon Wheels nipple, one point for Brady Bunch 1.  Next Harry has to kiss Brady Bunch 2, one point for both.  Wagon Wheels is pissed again because she did not receive a point for having her nipple licked.
  • For no reason at all Wagon Wheels claims she has better underwear on.  Me, “What are you waiting for, drop your shorts.”  Sure enough she does it.  They were OK, but she was a big girl so I can only look for a few seconds.  I tell the other girls they better follow suit or they will be deducted points.  They follow suit.
  • Wagon Wheels now has to one up the other three girls, so she says that she is completely shaven down there.  Before I can respond her underwear is in the grass and she is completely naked.  If you are wondering, yes she was completely shaved. I ended up giving her two points because I wasn’t sure how she could get it so smooth with the gut in the way.
  • The other girls do the same thing, but they all have bushes.  But Harry’s was the best.  It looked like she never trimmed it before.  I told her she won because it reminded me of hippies.
  • I am fully clothed and wondering how I got all four girls completely naked, but they start bugging me to go swimming.
  • So being super drunk I decided to go swimming.
  • After an hour or so of swimming and other activities, I decided to leave.  I couldn’t find Mr. Football, so I left him there.
  • No one to this day is exactly sure how I made it home.  All I remember is it being pitch black out and not a single person on the road.
  • Get back to the house and almost trip over someone sleeping on the front porch.
  • I get about 2 hrs of sleep that night.

The last funny thing I have to add to this is Mr. Football.  Once he got back he told his side of the story.  After DTF and him went inside she went to take a shower.  During this time he fucked the Hot Chick, but DTF got out of the shower.  I guess he heard DTF calling for him, but still finished up with Hot Chick.  Once DTF found him, he told her that he was smoking outside.  He then proceeded to bang DTF in the morning again.  I wonder if those girls ever found out they shared the same dick in less than a 4 hour time.

Just Another Saturday Night

Date:  August 24th, 2013

So this past Saturday Hulk and I go out to Pinckney for OB’s daughters 2nd birthday.  We have a few drinks and then we head home around 9:30 pm or so.  This is what ensues as we get on I96 just past Brighton.

Hulks test messages to the group:

  • So Sholstice and I are driving home and some ho with a skirt is riding on the back of a bike with some dude.
  • I’m like Sholstice get a pic of this.
  • He tries…with the flash…it looks like a stobelight going off on the highway and all hell almost breaks loose.
  • The guy on the motorcycle pulls in front of us and drops it down to 35 mph.
  • I’m doing everything I can to not run this fucker over.
  • This is all going on as he is flipping Sholstice off, barking shit at him.
  • Just another Saturday night.

A few notes about this and how stupid the motorcycle driver was:  1.) Neither of them were wearing a helmet.  2.) He was pulling this shit in front of a Dodge Ram going 85 mph.  3.)  Had no clue who was in the truck.  It could have been 5 dudes all ragging to beat his ass.

In hindsight we should have probably just tapped his back tire and seen what would have happened.