Date: Summer of 2001 and 2002
Since JW was not so happy that I left yesterdays Part 1 post with no punch line or funny story, today’s post will concentrate on how to disconnect a mobile homes water.
For the people who are not intimately aware of mobile homes and how they are attached to the earth I will give you a quick description. A mobile home is basically a travel trailer you would go camping in, but much bigger where they have to be pulled by a semi. The home sits on two long I beams, which then sit on cinderblocks that sit on the ground. This extremely strong foundation is the reason that they are always destroyed in tornadoes or high winds. To cover this gorgeous foundation they put an aluminum siding skirt around the whole home.
Under the home you will find the electrical hook up, sewer, and water, plus any other white trash junk they store under there. The Trailer Park supplies the water and in turn the home owner pays them. The water hook up is not like a normal home with a huge meter that the water company would need to turn on or off, this is much simpiliar. The pipe comes out of the ground to a small inline meter and then to the home. They are really easy to connect, disconnect, and alter to get free water. Let me tell you these people found all different ways to alter the water meters. These are my Top 5 stories about fucking with White Trash people’s water.
5. Poppin My Cherry
It’s the middle of the second week at this glorious job and I am expecting the usual day of picking up trash and riding around in the golf cart. As I walk into the maintenance garage the manager says, “I have a special mission for you today!!!” He was all excited about this for some reason.
“OK what do you have for me.”
“Grab two pipe wrenches and jump in the truck.” He is smiling and laughing as he says this.
As I jump into the truck he says, “Ready to get your cherry popped, we are disconnecting someone’s water today.”
I reply “What the fuck are you talking about?” He explains that when people don’t pay their water bill we get to crawl under their home and disconnect the meter. Then he proceeds to tell me that he is glad I am here and he doesn’t have to do it anymore. Basically he has been chased so many times by angry people that he didn’t want to do it anymore.
So first we drive by the house to see if anyone is home, there’s no car in the driveway, so we have a 50/50 shot that no one is home. You can never tell though since 25% of the homes don’t have a car. We park two streets over, so no one can alert the people of the home we are going to alter that we are there.
He says, “Jump out of the truck and run between the homes, so no one can see you. I will be right behind you to show you what to do.” We get to the home we are going to shut the water off to. He rips the siding off and we both climb under. He shuts the water valve off and disconnect the meter. Crawl back out from under the home and run back to the truck with the meter.
This being my first time doing this it was quite exciting to know what power I had over these people.
4. Engineering at it’s Finest
A week after the first one I am told I have another home to shut the water off on. This time though the Community Manager was really confused why in the past 3 months this particular homes water usage was almost zero. So I get my wrenches and head out on my golf cart to scope the place out. No one is home, so I go a few streets over and walk towards the house. I get under the home and I could not believe the contraption the water meter was.
This guy had run a bypass of the meter with more pipe and valves, so at a weeks time he would just bypass the meter and pay nothing for the water. Then a few days a week he would shut the bypass off and let the meter run.
I disconnected and I actually got a $5 gift card to McDonald’s for my finding. Yeah I know a whole $5, this is probably where my hatred for McDonald’s started.
3. Guns Galore
Same scenario, we need you to get the water meter from someone’s home. I do the same procedure, but when I crawl under there is a cache of guns laying in the dirt. I decided at this point I am not screwing with this and went back to the Community Manager to tell them what I found.
She calls the police and I later found out he was a parole with some warrant out for his arrest. I am glad he never found out who ratted him out.
2. Wolf Pack
Same old scenario, go turn off this homes water. Well I do the same procedure, but this time the siding was already missing from this particular shit hole home, so I crawled under.
As I am disconnecting the meter I look towards the front of the home and I see something that could be eyes. I am like what the fuck is that and look away. My curiosity gets the best of me and I look back and there are more eyes. Then I hear some hissing. “Really!!!” This cannot be happening, so I get out as fast as I can as this animal is coming after me. As I get out I see that it’s a possum chasing me, probably protecting its young. Get back to the manager’s office and we set some traps to get rid of them, so I can finish my job.
1. FUPA Chase
Near the end of the summer of 2001 the manager tells me we have to disconnect the water from this one real trashy lady. I had seen her in the past and she was about 250 lbs and would swear at me anytime I was on her street.
So I do a drive by and I assume no one is home because I didn’t see her car. Well I park two streets over and proceed to go under the home. Well I am not sure if my commotion of removing the siding or her just waking up at 11 am, but I started to hear footsteps above me. I think to myself “Shit I hope she doesn’t try to us the water!” I continue to disconnect the water meter then I hear the footsteps get closer to where the bathroom is. At that point I can hear the rest of the water getting sucked out of the pipe. Then a scream “Why isn’t the water working.” Then steps to the front door and the door open. I am still under the home when she pulls back the siding. At first she doesn’t see me, but I see her. She must have been getting ready to jump in the shower because she was only wearing underwear and a robe. Luckily for me the robe wasn’t shut so I could see her FUPA and belly hanging out over her lady parts. I didn’t think she would see me, but she did.
I crawl out as fast I can on the other side and she starts chasing me, robe wide open. Half way during this chase she tripped face first into the grass. As I looked back I just started laughing and tripped myself. She got back and continued to chase me all the way back to the community building swearing at me.
Once she got into the building the Community Manager somehow calmed her down, probably by threatening to call the cops. Good thing I only had one more week to go and did not have to deal with her much more.
So if there are any lessons to learn from this kids they are 1) Don’t live in a trailer park! 2) Pay your water bill if you do! 3) Don’t work at a trailer park.
- I am not White Trash, I Just Work Here – Part 1 (sholstice.wordpress.com)